Post To End All Posts

This post has spent a lot of time being concocted in my head.  How do you say goodbye to the world?  Originally, my goal was to make fun of Mark and Don.  Somewhere along the way, I got lost.  Fortunately, Will gave me a compass.  I've decided that this blog has run its course and found itself in a cul-de-sac on the wrong end of a one-way street.  There are many other people that are more witty than I, more emo than I and some even that are both.  So I leave you in good hands.  Plus, I don't have time to stay on top enough to update.  Also, I'm bored.

In closing, I give you this:

Recipe

I really like NinjaDon's recipe and I decided to post one of my own recipes:

Victory Cake (Serves 1):

1 c. tranquillo
1 tbp. gusto
2 bunches of courage
1 well-seasoned teammate

Mix all the ingredients in a large mixing bowl or (Cat3) Cup (race). Beat (everyone else) into a smooth, pasty batter. Pour (some sugar on me) into a 40cm X 4m glass baking dish and and bake at 0°C.

--

I raced twice yesterday. Maybe once-and-a-half is more accurate. I am dumbfounded at the result I got at Medford. Without solid form (I think) and not having been on the road bike in a week, I have no idea how that happened. All I can do is look at Todd and assume he did an absolutely incredible job of discouraging chases and covering moves. Not to mention him putting me into position with one to go. So, in all honesty, this is really Todd's result.

Starting Now, I'm Starting Over

Tick-tock, you're not a clock,
You're a time bomb

Altoona is over.  Out of nowhere, I was able to go uphill fast.  Also out of nowhere, I've got motivation for the rest of the season.  Cyclocross is coming soon, but before it starts, I'm going to bag at least one more win.  I'm looking specifically at the NJ State Criterium Championships.  Yeah, I'm looking at you.  Bring the bomb squad because I'm gonna blow it to pieces.

Altoona - Pre-Race

Despite heavy traffic leaving NJ and a huge delay once on I-80, I was able to make it to my hotel, the EconoLodge, in Altoona by 10:30PM. I forget where we stayed last year but it was far, far worse than the EconoLodge, and probably more expensive.

I settled in and started to relax a bit. My race wasn't until 11:35AM on Friday so I didn't have to worry about getting to bed early. So I flipped on the telly and found that Taxicab Confessions was playing on HBO. That was incredibly entertaining. Due to the PG-13 rating of this blog, I can't summarize any of the show for you.

Got to bed around midnight and woke up at 8:15AM. Quick shower, checkout, some breakfast at DD (not DnD . . . which is Dungeons and Dragons . . . Dunkin' Donuts is DD) and I was off to Martinsburg for a 38 mile circuit race.

One of the more exciting things about Altoona is that all the amateurs use all the same parking lots, facilities, etc. as the pros do. I saw Mandy Lozano and she cut me down for not having upgraded to Cat2 yet. Walked out of the bathroom (real ones, not Port-a-Potties) and bumped into Scott Moninger. the most successful active racer in North America. He is about 43 years old, has about 2% body fat and his legs are jacked. He's got longevity, for sure, but I'll leave its legitimacy for you to decide.

I haven't been this nervous pre-race in a long, long time. I think I put a bit too much emphasis on this weekend and thus a bit too much pressure on myself. But once we got rolling, it was fine. Race report to follow (maybe).

Weird Dream

Last night I had a dream that I was at Altoona already. It must have been Sunday . . . I was wearing some type of leader's jersey but I don't think it was for the overall. George Hincapie high-fived me. He must have crashed out of the Tour and taken a direct flight back over to the US just to watch me race. I talked to Adam Myerson (who, incidentally, is the lanterne rouge after Stage 1, the TTT) and he seemed to need to borrow one of my wheels. Then he asked me if I had a coach and, when I responded in the negative, he said, "We should talk about that." For some reason I thought I was supposed to be racing in the P/1/2 race . . . maybe because upgrading to Cat2 has been on my mind lately . . . but in the preparations, I missed 1) making any Cytomax for the race and 2) the start of the Cat3 race. I was reduced to tears, as I recall.

Dreams are weird, man.

Owasco -- teh Suck

What is stupider than mountain biking?

Time-trialing.

Owasco started off with a 12.5ish mile TT. I rode complete and utter Merckx-style (i.e. sans aero of any sort) and still beat at least 20 d-bags with cash to burn (30'03"). Losers. But I sunburned my hands since I wasn't wearing gloves.

We sat around until the criterium. I spent some of that time sleeping on the concrete sidewalk outside the Auburn Wegmans. It was a really, really dumb criterium. I have no idea how I ended up with position going into the final turn (less than 100m from the uphill finish to the line -- yeah, like I said, really, really dumb) and pulled off 2nd after yet another d-bag (true story, ask Mark) from MIT pulled a cheeky move and chopped everyone to the inside.

The road race, despite being the worst ever, was awesome. I picked up some more bonus time (like that was going to help me, 2'30" down) in the first sprint. I came unhitched on the first KOM climb, a 1.2 mile 7% deal. I was in the third group over . . . the seven of us chasing back (ok, so honestly it was me and two Van Dessels chasing back, the rest were teh suxors) for 20 minutes. As soon as we got back on to the leaders, my back tire picked up a sweet sharp stone and went flat. Got a wheel change, chased back with two others (even more useless and lame than the non-Van Dessels in the first chase) with a bit of help from the wheel and follow car for another 20 minutes. Hung on for about 30 more minutes and then went *POP* on a section that looked like it came from a saltbox roof. Oh well. At least I chased back on twice.

P.S. I didn't finish.

P.P.S. Todd needs to go to man school.

P.P.P.S. Mark needs to go to potty training.

Pittsburgh - Punxsutawney Ride

Link to the route is here.

Details to follow . . .

Short Vacation

Heading to Western Pennsylvania for a few days for some family gatherings, good food and some hilly long rides.

Race report from the USBHoF 4th of July race to follow sooner or later (sooner if my sister brought her Macbook).

Hey, It Happens

This is the best piece of Cyclingnews.com journalism ever. (Let it load the whole way before trying to watch)

Wii Played Wii

Mark, Will, Aaron and I shot each other in the face with guns and grenades for about six hours tonight. Good times were had by all.

Dinoboy rules. Tuna Cutter droolz.

TheJenksster and CapnChaz's Ridiculous Ride

Yesterday CapnChaz and I headed up north to hit some hills . . . I hit the first one hard and was pretty much cooked after that. Oh well.

CapnChaz was looking for some stupid-steep climb he found on this map, including elevation changes, of NJ. We thought we found the right road but apparently we were wrong and just as it started to POUR down rain, we found ourselves descending a gravel road . . . nice! I started to feel like a mountain biker (uh oh).

We got all turned around and decided just to head back home (we were in Long Hill at this point, wayyyy north of Highland Park). We got mildly lost and ended up next to Basking Ridge Country Club. After checking with some passing motorists and Google maps via my phone, we headed back on our way, but not before I went completely head over my bars trying to get on the road from the grass. Feeling more and more like a mountain biker, I suppose. Ouch.

The monsoon began to fade away but we were already soaked through and planned to ride until we saw some roads we recognized. We somehow ended up at King George and made the rather lucky decision to turn right. The rest, as they say, is history.

We left at 6PM and got home at about 8:50PM. It was deserving of its title: Death March Through the Watchung Hills.

The Format

Dear Olivia,

Here is the weekly non-cycling post. I wanted to let you know that The Format is giving away digital downloads of their one year old CD Dog Problems through their website. All you have to do is click on one of the many "here" links on the site, then enter your email address. It subscribes you to their mailing list which you can then unsubscribe from at any time. You should then be able to download the full CD.

The promotion began on Monday, about a week and a half after I bought the CD. But it was worth it! It's got a great carnival-ish theme to it. I first heard of them via the independent Rochester radio station, 90.5 WBER, The Only Station That Matters.

Love,
Mike

Raaaaaaaaachester - The Race

So the actual race:

Have a look on the website for course description, etc. Its a six or seven or eight turn beast with quite a decent rise out of the last few corners into a false flat finish. After a while, you lose count of how many corners there are.

From years past, I've learned that of all races, this one absolutely demands you be at the front all the time. When you squeeze 100 sketchball 3s and 4s onto narrow streets and alleys, people get popped like mad. There's a staging area on the back of the course and we roll to the start/finish about five minutes before the start. The instructions included the request to "parade, at 10 mph, wave to the crowd" so as to make them feel a part of it. These instructions were most definitely NOT followed. People basically went full gas to get to the start line . . . so dumb.

At least I knew the course fairly well so knew to be on the outside through most of the turns. It took a few laps to move up to the front, I took about a 2 lap flyer off the front then shut down the usual Jenksster-style stupid racing and sat in for the final 10 laps or so. There were multiple nasty crashes, I stayed upright the whole time, though came close to losing my front wheel on the white painted stripes once.

The last lap was sketchy, as expected. I had decent but not great position, maybe top 10 going into the tight and technical portion when I got nudged out and came within centimeters of hitting hay bales. I lost about 10 spots and could only make up a few in the finish that was absolutely tailor-made for me . . . managed to come around about ten guys through the finishing straight for a 7th place finish. Not a great result, but encouraging due to the powerful burst I put in to come around so many in the finish.

We quickly packed up and went home to shower and then headed back for the pro race. I stopped by the prize tent to pick up my quite generous $55 winnings and promptly gave half of that away for the crowd prime for the pro race (it was a $1300 prime!!). The pro race was sweet . . . though we pretty much missed the *real* race part, when a break of six, including Navigators' Kyle Wamsley and defending champion Hilton Clarke went away within the first fifteen minutes. Still, they were flying even when the break lapped the field. Whitey hung in there, looking really strong the whole time and may have even finished in the money (Top 25). I screamed at him and Myerson, though not as hard as I scream at karaoke.

They rung the bell for the field with three to go and we saw a pretty decent sprint and then, with two to go and the breakmates all on their own, it was pretty obvious who was going to win. Hilton Clarke crossed the line arms raised with at least a bike-length and a half for his second win in as many years at Rochester.

In the write-up in the paper the following day, all the pros that were interviewed had nothing but great things to say about the course, the promotion and the 30,000+ crowd. All in all, a great race full of awesomeness.

Raaaaaaaaachester - The Experience

Please note that if you are looking for race details, they'll be included in a separate post. For now, this post will capture all the awesomeness that was non-racing of my weekend in Rochester.

The race wasn't until 6pm so I had a lot of time to kill.

The day started off great with a solid breakfast of bagels and cream cheese with my mom and sister. We spent the late morning watching a few episodes of The Wonder Years. Man what a great program.

Early in the afternoon, we decided to go shopping at Mentality in the Village of Pittsford. Mentality is the place to shop for designer men's clothing in all of New York (outside of Manhattan). It was a little chilly in Rochester this weekend so I wanted to pick up something with long sleeves, either a Spring jacket (hopefully on sale since it is out of season) or a hoodie of some sort (same, although hoodies are never really out of season). I ended up finding a sweet reversible and oh-so-comfy zip up hoodie. The denim bar at Mentality is definitely its main attraction. Citizens of Humanity, Seven for all Mankind, Paper Denim & Cloth, Juicy Couture, Rock and Republic, True Religion . . . you name it, they have it. I probably tried on eight pairs of jeans . . . I was looking for a very light wash and found the perfect pair in a semi-destroyed pair of Paper Denims, unfortunately they only had them in 31 and I just couldn't bring myself to buy such a loose pair of jeans . . . which brings me to a pair of Rock and Republic jeans I tried on. Now, much has been made of my massive quads (mostly by myself, but who's counting?) but this was honestly ridiculous. The waist of the jeans was fine, or would have been fine, if I had been able to get them high enough to get them around my waist. As we all know, tight jeans are important and give you the must super of superhuman powers, but this was beyond anything that was called for. Anyways, I ended up settling on a single pair of Kasils, my first ever pair of dark jeans, that I was on the fence about until I just slightly folded the cuff up and decided they were awesome.

So, having bought an awesome new pair of tight jeans, I was looking good as far as the necessary pre-race prep (i.e. I had a sweet pair of tight, not the tightest but still tight, jeans going into an important race). I got down to the course quite early, had a chat with Matty White of Fiordifrutta, did some real honest-to-goodness warming up (I hate warming up) and then did my thing (see The Race post).

After the Pro race, I took the family home and met up with a old friend from high school at her apartment on East Ave (a really nice, artsy, collegial and happening area of town) to catch up. We ended up going to The Old Toad, a place I've been only twice before. I have to rate it as the best pub in Rochester and maybe the best bar in Rochester, period. Read the RocWiki entry for some details on the staff. Around 1am, as I was ordering some more pints, a guy on the corner of the bar started talking to us, asking us where we're from. When we told him we grew up in Rochester, he belts out "Raaaaaaaaaaaachester" in a deep, throaty, rumbling kind of way, imitating yet somewhat exaggerating the awful nasal Rochestarian accent. Turns out he was from England, Portsmouth, actually (or, as he said, "Por-muf") and was one of the staff though not working that night. The combination of:

1. Him being hammered
2. Us doing our best Rochester accents
3. Also us trying to do our best British accents . . .
4. . . . which then morphed into Aussie/Kiwi accents

All resulted in him ordering shot after shot after pint after pint for us (no charge) and Good Times Were Had By All. And so ended an incredible day of food, shopping, racing and drinking.

Anticipation

Rochester is Saturday at 6pm. It's my #2 priority of the year. My legs feel jumpy.

It's on.

Jumps

I did jumps today. I planned on doing ten but only did five or six. Why? Well on two occasions, I ripped my foot out of my pedal. I'm not sure how I stayed upright but I did somehow.

I did, however, set a new max output by nearly 150 watts, which leads me to believe that the PowerTap is reading things on the high side. Or maybe not. Who knows?

--

Dear Olivia,

This section is for you. It doesn't contain training, racing, or anything cycling-related. When you get back, we (and by we, I mean the three of us, because CapnChaz can beat me up) should go to some openings in New York. Maybe you could point us to one with some less expensive items, maybe starting around $50-$100? Sweet! Art is cool.

Tired, So Tired

Ronde van Mullica was awesome! We had a five-car caravan heading down there and the course is great (it's flat, very flat, mostly). The best part about the 3/4 race was that people were civilized at the start. There wasn't any of that go hard, go hard, go hard right off the bat (we had 47 miles still to cover) and it was quite a gentlemanly pace with some light conversation and good laughs.

After about five or six minutes, I went to the front to set tempo. Mostly, it was to warm up but it was also to discourage attacks and give Mark an armchair ride. For about ten or twelve minutes, I sat on the front, spinning the cranks, well within my limit, not burning matches. It wasn't a blistering pace, but it was fast enough that it was single file for six or so guys until the arrowhead formed. That was soooo awesome and encouraging to see.

Despite the not-so-great result we produced, I had a great time. I did have a momentary lapse in concentration and allowed a five-man break to get too much time on us before getting back on the front to ride tempo and keep it reasonable, but I suppose I can't be controlling the race the entire time . . . just most of the time. Since I didn't have to worry about saving my energy for the sprint (other than to lead Mark out) and every serious attack I'd make would get an immediate response, I took a lot of pleasure in simply controlling the front by riding just fast enough to discourage any further break attempts. So much fun.

The P/1/2/3 went off as predicted: a large break (really almost half the field, including all the big guns) went at about four miles in. I saw it, knew it was THE move and said to myself, "No way." The second race was purely for training purposes to get the mileage up. I ended up pulling the plug after the fourth lap (of six) since my knee started to bother me and I was getting quite tired.

All in all, a GREAT day of racing. I'm really looking forward to Rocky Hill as another opportunity to work for someone else and control the race as it should be!

De Ronde

Ronde van Mullica is tomorrow. It's exceedingly flat. I love that. However, I find myself not really caring about my performance. I'm already quite focused on Rochester next weekend. I have this week all planned out and, as long as work cooperates, I think I'll be going really, really strong next Saturday.

If I can last to the 115th or whatever mile it is for combining the 3/4 and the P/1/2/3, I'd like to mix it up in the sprint tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. It'll be like my own personal little Philly. Minus 40 miles. Minus Lemon Hill. Minus EuroPros. Minus Manayunk. So nothing like Philly.

The Fourth of July weekend and day off (Wednesday) will mark that last of my long-ish rides for the season (I think) and I'll start getting in gear for the last third or so of the season, focusing mainly on Altoona but also hoping for good form at the NJ Crit Champs and a good Labor Day showing. Then it's a bit of relaxing for a week or two before showing up AngryMark and CapnChaz on the 'cross scene. Muddy buddies beware . . .

On The Subject of Music

I recently rediscovered the awesomeness that is "the only station that matters, 90.5 WBER" and have been listening to it at work. The station is a school- and community-supported effort that has been broadcasting to the elitist music snobs of the Greater Rochester Area since 1985. It's completely independent of all the ClearChannel/CBS craptastic stations you find dominating the radio. They play one of the most eclectic mixes of songs I've ever come across. You'll start off listening to soft indie pining, then get slammed with some screamo only to be followed up by some electronica/techno. The song sequence is almost as entertaining as the songs themselves. Their webpage is rather uninformative but you can access the streaming broadcast through it. I also permanently have the yes.com playlist for WBER open. Only problem is that they play some really off-the-wall stuff and the playlist can only recognize 2/3rds of the stuff, at most.

I also had the pleasure of meeting Chris Kiehne, my recently wedded friend Koops' cousin, who has a few CDs and random tracks of his own. Check out his myspace page to get a sampling of his style.

--

I rode my velocipede today and it was awful. I did some really fun and hard intervals yesterday with Todd and really felt it today. Plus I've lacked a bit of sleep recently . . . and by posting this, I'm depriving myself of even more much-needed rest. Oh well.

Yesterday after Todd went home, I very nearly got crashed by an inconsiderate and completely oblivious asshole on the road going across the canal at first bridge (is that Van Cleef?). The asshole wasn't behind the wheel of a car, wasn't jogging along the side of the road, nay, the asshole wasn't even human! Some bird decided to swoop down out of the trees right in front of me and as I flailed about trying to ward it off, I almost ate it. Stupid birds.

Jeans

Jeans are a very important thing, maybe even the most important thing.

First off, they are probably going to end up being the most comfortable article of clothing that you can acceptably wear in public. In this regard, it is important for jeans to break in quickly. I've bought a few pair over the years that are still stiff and crinkly after three months of solid wash and wear. That is poor jean performance. Be careful, however, when buying jeans that already feel like you've owned them for a year or so. They'll get "overbroken" and start to sag around the ankles and get wrinkles (or what women like to call age lines). What you should look for in level of break-in-ability is a firm yet supple denim that allows movement but at the same time holds all your parts together in the right ways.

Second off, jeans say many things about their wearer. However, not everything about the jeans speak at the same volume. Whispering quietly are the belt loops, bare loops tell tales of spontaneity and excitement while loops wrapped around a leather belt speak of consistency and tradition. On women's jeans, should the belt loops have the distinction of containing a necktie (coordinated to match the rest of the outfit, of course) or a scarf, listen closely because if you turn your head just right, you just might hear a touch of class and elegance juxtaposed with style and lighthearted playfulness. Speaking at a conversational volume, the fly also communicates the wearer's state of mind. A zipper-fly tells of practicality and pragmatism; it's all about function. The button fly, however, expresses an air of mystery; while well-worn button-fly jeans are just as easy-on/easy-off as a zipper-fly, the buttons and that extra layer of denim function as a bit of extra security. Never in the history of button-fly jeans has anyone forgotten to entirely close the fly. The same obviously can't be said for the zipper-fly. This brings us to the stitching on the back pockets. If the belt loops and fly were having lunch together, they'd both be talking about how obnoxiously loud the back pocket stitching was being on her cell phone across the café. The back pocket stitching really says it all. It's the shape and layering of the cake to the fly's icing and the belt loops' candles. So next time you're observing someone's beautiful (or not-so-beautiful) derrière, take note of all the things those jeans say, be it the shout of the stitching or the barely-audible yet wise words of the belt loops.

Last off, jeans give you super powers. The mechanism whereby this occurs is currently a hotly contested debate amongst the world's elite jeanologists and quantum physicists. While the mechanism is not entirely understood, there can be no debate about the end result: given the right jeans, anything is possible.

Now, for only $300, you can sign up for my eight-week program that I developed from eight years shopping at denim bars across the world. It's called JENKS KWON DO!